Venting….or is it bitching?

So I have to apologize. I promised blog updates and advice on dating etc. But life has really kicked my ass lately. As soon as I feel myself taking a step forward, something knocks me 10 steps backwards. I don’t know what it is that gives me the will to constantly get back up, dust my self off and keep going, sometimes I wonder if I was some sort of warrior in a previous life…hahaha just kidding, that sounds ridiculous. But in all fairness, does the bullshit truly ever stop? Or do the dark gloomy clouds just part one day, the sun shining through, all fucks are gone and the path you’ve been creating finally has beautiful blooming flowers, puppies, new-born babies, money on trees and the beach…just waiting for you and endless amounts of calorie free craft beer…mmmm. One can simply dream right?

I feel my mind going crazy on me some days. Someone told me the other day that I looked fantastic and extremely happy. Well shit, this Clonazepam(Clonazepam is used to prevent and control seizures. This medication is known as an anticonvulsants or antiepileptics drug. It is also used to treat panic attacks. Clonazepam works by calming your brain and nerves. It belongs to a class of drugs called benzodiazepines)must really being doing its job. Because to be fair someday I feel like I’m walking on sunshine and others I could pack up Finnigan (the love of my life) hit the road and never look back.

On February 3rd, I watched my Step-dad have a complete left main occlusion, a major heart attack in front of my mother and me. At home. We literally just ate dinner and things were fine and the next thing I knew there was literally 11 EMS workers in our living room. The last time I experienced a situation like this was as a kid when I watched medics take my sister away after having such severe seizures she was unresponsive. This sort of thing sticks with you. I’m not sure if it makes me numb, but it taught me not to panic. Anyway, the stubborn ass survived the heart attack, thank F**K because I honestly don’t think I could handle losing him. He may be my step dad but he has always been a constant in my life and supported me in any decision I have made since I was 14 years old. That’s a pretty big blessing to have a man who is not your father or related to you by blood, be so wonderful.

My sister said to me as we drove home from visiting Kevin in the hospital that she was worried about me. She said that she watched me go through the worst year and that I had yet to crack. That I was like a loose blade of grass on the edge the cliff, swaying in the wind and she was just waiting for that strong gust, the one to push me off, take me away. I knew she didn’t mean me killing myself or anything, she was just telling me she was worried and scared for me.

I’ve always been strong and it usually take something incredibly devastating, or something to completely enrage me, to make me cry. But in that car ride I gave myself that 5 minutes to ugly cry. I needed to let it out. All that kept replaying in my mind was seeing Kevin’s white face and hands, soaked in sweat, being taken away in the ambulance and the social worker greeting us at the hospital with no update. I was ready to hear that he was gone, to hold my mom up when her knees collapsed. To try to piece things together when we would go home with out him. But we were lucky, he pulled through. I still can’t think about that night without choking up. How does one prepare themselves to lose and a loved one, to take the blow, for that blow not to come. It was the worst adrenaline rush I have had to experience thus far in life.

Right before this happened I was let go from my new oil and gas job, after being humiliated and bullied by another female co-worker for having my double mastectomy. I was not having a good week. Luckily, my childhood best friend and practically my sister, Erin, her baby daddy Brodie (great man) offered me my job back with his company. How was I so blessed? To have such forgiving and loving people in my life. Either way, please just know I love and appreciate you guys.

If you guys haven’t figured this blog posting is literally nothing but ramblings. So please bare with me, it’s just an update on my ridiculous life.

So all this goes on, I go on yet another HORRIBLE date with another asshole from Bumble and by then I’m just fed up. My birthday was coming up and I decided I was going to have an unforgettable night.

My besties went out of their way to make me feel special and loved. My Gato Cristina took me for a beautiful brunch and Kass surprised me at our hotel room with balloons, champagne, cupcakes and the most beautiful cookie with a letter written on it, . Yes you read that right, a cookie with a letter on it.Alicia sent me a sweet card in the mail and snapped and text to ensure I knew she was missing me while she was in NC.  We then proceeded out to dinner with more loved ones and then off to the bar. I finished my night with puking in the middle of the bar, on my girlfriends boots (I’M STILL SORRY) and two stalls down from one of my ride or dies. Finished er’ off with yelling at the doorman “You’re nothing but a doorman, DOOR MAN”, had my Sally (Patty I love you) get us hoe safely and proceeded to crawl into the bathroom at the hotel. I wont say it was the best birthday I  have ever had, but definitely the most memorable….err kinda.

Since then, I’ve been working, trying to be a good sister and organize my twins Bachelorette Weekend, order our bridesmaid dresses and see my family and friends as often as I can. All the while knowing my ultrasound for my chest was coming up and anxiously waiting the results…

This has been my February and March of 2017…I thought 2016 was over for crying out loud.

Tune in to my next posting, to hear about my ultrasound results.

Much love,

Birdy

 

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