Birdie's Endless Flight

I had my ultrasound to review the two masses in my chest on February 15, 2017. I was extremely frustrated by the time I left the Foothills. The ultrasound tech was fantastic, although she seemed to talk to me about her friends drinking habits and how she doesn’t drink, for the entire hour and 45 mins I was there. I was on day 4 of my birthday hang over and just listening to her made me want to drink.

I highlighted the masses on my chest so it was easier to find, just like Dr. CTO said to do. And then I had this ultrasound doctor proceed to tell me 4 different results. 1) Nothing is here. 2) Oh its the edge of your implant. 3) No this is where your Major Pectoralis Muscle “drops off”. 4) It’s just fat.

Okay captain FKN Nimrod, which is it?? First off, you’re not allowed to tell me the results and last time I checked you are not an Oncologist of any sort. Thank you shit for brains. I mean, I appreciated the “results” but they did absolutely nothing for me. Thankfully my surgeons wonderful Assistant confirmed that these results were pretty inconclusive and she had scheduled me for follow-up to review for March 13. If my surgeon felt the results weren’t a big deal, she would call me and we would just discuss over the phone. Well the call never came.

I get to the foothills to find out my dear friend (another Previvor) was being admitted for her 11th reconstructive surgery. ELEVENTH!!!!! Is that not insane? This woman is beyond a warrior, she has had every possible complication with her reconstruction and she still pushes forward with her faith, her love for life, her kids, her husband and for the rest of us Previvors. She really is the saving grace for us women who are trying to decide on surgery or are having complications. Honestly, I met her almost a year ago and i wish I knew her before my first surgery. I don’t think I would have felt so alone had I known her then. So I am sitting there, at our “Tom Baker Cancer” clinic and in rolls my girlfriend, chill as a pill wearing a freaking ONESIE! I was so impressed. It wasn’t even PJ’s, it was a legit sweatsuit Onesie and she was rocking ugg’s and a messy ponytail/bun. One thing that gets us through our surgeries, is complete and utter inappropriate humour. Otherwise we ugly cry. She had her 11th surgery today and luckily things went pretty well considering her body rejected her expander implant.

So she sat with me until she was called for her room admittance and in I went to see Dr. CTO. We reviewed my ultrasound results and again, can’t confirm with their “findings” what these masses truly are. And thankfully my Dr is a no fluff kind of woman and she gives it to me straight, “I can remove the left one in your armpit, but its the one on your 2nd rib that I am concerned I can’t get too without major complications”. Yikes. Then, she says, “We have a surgery date for you. Call my admin and she will confirm for you the date and time, but I know we have a date because you have been on my mind a lot lately”. We joked about my Bali trip and the monkey that molested me. She read up on my blog and then off I went, back into the abyss of shitty Calgary drivers in rush to get to work.

I called the Admin and she emailed me this morning confirming that yes, my next surgery is scheduled for March 27, 2017….thats in 13 days. Panic ensues and I started scrambling trying to figure out how I am going to get to the hospital and who will take care of me and 1000 other questions running through my mind.

This surgery scares me. It scares me because I don’t know what these masses are, the risk for infection is much greater and the possibility of my body rejecting the new implants is higher. On top of it all I feel alone. When I had my first surgery on May 2, 2016, I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years. I was moving into my own apartment and I was starting a new life, just my dog Finnigan and myself. But I knew that I had my ex there by my side. Even though he completely destroyed me by breaking up with me, he still took care of me and was there by my side for my surgery. It brought us closer. I was naive though. I thought we would get back together, and clearly that’s not the case as its been over a year since we broke up. It’s crazy how much we rely on another person to feel whole and worthy. To feel complete and strong. To believe we need them in order to conquer lives biggest obstacles. Obviously going into this next surgery would be so much easier if I had that significant other to take care of me and reassure me that I am beautiful not matter what and it will be okay. But at the end of the day, I am the only person who can confirm my strength, my worth, my beauty. The scars I have now, and the even bigger scars I’ll have don’t bother me. Peoples opinions don’t bother me either. Its people who bother me.

Either way, this surgery is happening whether I am emotionally ready for it or not. I just hope it goes smoothly and I can finally look forward to the next Chapter…NIPPLES!!!!!

The pictures below will show you where my complications are, the masses and the rippling, the aftermath bruising from physiotherapy on my chest.

 

Thanks for tuning in guys.

Lots of love and light,

Birdy