Birdie's Endless Flight

Well guys, I have to say its been a wild ride in the least. My world changed quite a bit from my last blog entry. So I will try to catch you up on whats happened.

My last blog was about the shennany’s I had to deal with post second surgery. Since then I have had 3 additional reconstructions which I will write about individually.

I met a guy beginning of July. This guy was different. Sweet, empathetic, didn’t judge me or make me feel like a freak. And for some reason, no matter how hard I tried to avoid getting involved, I basically couldn’t get rid of him. He grew on me and somehow convinced me to jump in, blind, without better judgement of course.

Summer was a romantic whirlwind. Road trips to his small town, a week out at Sylvan Lake for my twin sisters stagette, my best friend arrives from Australia for a month and next thing you know its my twins wedding.

You don’t really realize how much a mastectomy affects everything until you have to get sized multiple times because your boobs change in size and then you get nipples and everything changes. Not only did my chest side keep changing, but so did my weight.

Let me back up a little. I started working at a Medispa in May. Everything seemed to be going perfectly. My boss adored me. I got special treatment. She gave me $600 Italian shoes, discounts on products etc. And then things started to change. She started getting on me about my weight and I was already under my own pressure for gaining weight but then I had someone else commenting on it daily. Was I really that bad?

Apparently. She wrote me a prescription for HCG which is well know as the “HCG Diet Controversy”. By now you’ve probably heard about it: the HCG Diet, an extreme diet that involves injections of HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin). HCG is the hormone women make when they are pregnant. Previously, the HCG Diet was defined by a 500-calorie diet paired with daily injections of HCG.  Proponents claim regular injection of human chorionic gonadotropin—a hormone that women produce during pregnancy and that is sometimes prescribed as a fertility treatment—speeds metabolism and breaks down the body’s stored fat, allowing dieters to get by on 500 calories a day without the hunger and health risks that accompany other starvation diets.

So here I am, injecting myself daily with a needle, starving myself, all to please someone else. Did it work? Nope. Being on the HCG diet—just like any seriously low-cal diet—lowers your metabolism and results in serious muscle loss. And while starving yourself for a week may yield short-term weight loss, over the long haul, you are more likely to gain weight from trying the HCG diet than anything.

Sure I looked great but it didn’t end there. I was then put on Oxytocin.

Remember way back in high school when you just started pairing up with a new guy or gal – kinda made you feel sick to your stomach to be around them but at the same time felt “SO GREAT”?!!

Yup, those were the days…and, well…that was hormones.

Oxytocin, or better known as the “Love Hormone”, is responsible for those crazy, wonderful, care free feelings associated with young love. Oxytocin is released when people snuggle, kiss and make love!

Well, what has all that got to do with weight loss? It is believed that Oxytocin can help regulate weight by reducing cravings and binge urges, lowering appetite, and speeding up metabolism.

Here I am, injecting, snorting and starving. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I started to look much better and feeling good, but my boyfriend couldn’t understand why I was using these products and encouraged me to stop. He didn’t think it was healthy that I was on both of these prescriptions, or that my boss was prescribing them to me.

Fast forward 3 months, I had stopped using the product and noticed the weight started to come back. It didn’t matter if I worked out or ate clean, I felt like a fat slob and my self esteem started to dwindle drastically and so did my love and drive for my job. It seemed like the only way my boss would be happy with my appearance, was only if I weighed 100lbs soaking wet and then she started to harp on me about my face.

I came into work one day and was immediately pulled into her room. There was a vitamin water sitting there and a pill. She opened the bottle and handled me the pill and said to take it. I was confused, but for some crazy reason I trusted this nut-job. She had handed me Adderall. Are you FKN kidding me? First off, who gives there employee Adderall, who tells them they need to concentrate more and then drugs them, and thirdly, I have severe PTSD and Anxiety. What the actual FK was this doctor thinking. I didn’t have ADHD. I had anxiety because i was being emotionally and verbally abused daily about my body and my looks.

If your shocked now. Just wait.

So fast forward a week after this. She starts blaming me for her screw ups and her inability to manage her AHC patients and her paying spa clientele. So then what does she say to me? “You need to buy the complete Environ Youth Essentia Line and if you want to stay employed here, you need botox all over your face and filler in your lips”.

HOLD THE FUCK ON. Sure, fine, maybe I could lose a few lbs. But to tell me I need to permanently change my face to appease you? Get fucked. Thats a serious hell no. I have nothing against botox or filler, but if I want them done it will be my choice and at my discretion. I’m sure you can imagine how well our relationship went after this.

I heard from my surgeon a few weeks post this bs discussion and was told she would be scheduling me for another reconstruction to help with the indents, rippling and cave-ins that I continued to have. So I got my surgery date for November 9th. This surgery was going to entail liposuction from my abdomen and tissue transfer, into my chest. Yay, a light at the end of the tunnel. My boss will be happy ill lose weight for free and she can no longer bitch.

Wrong. When I told her I needed at least 3 weeks off for recovery she turned into satan. Accused me of giving patient records over the phone and giving out medical advise. Claimed she would take me to court over it. And then posted my job online and had women come in, come to the front desk and tell me specifically they were there for an interview for my position.

I lost it. I started to cry uncontrollably and shake. My co-worker just hugged me and cried with me. We couldn’t believe the extent this woman went to, to destroy the remaining dignity I had left. I walked out that day. I drove straight to my family doctors, full blown panic attack and was put on a 1 month minimum stress leave.

So legally you cannot be dismissed while on medical leave. But they decided it would be appropriate to call me in to the office and “terminate” my employment on the evening of November 8th.

As if I didn’t have enough to stress about. At the same time this was all going on, my so called friend and landlord decided she wanted me to pay more month for rent each month, even though she had occupied the storage unit for the entirety of my lease and we had to go and pay $200 a month for off site storage, so I was already paying more than I should have. So i lose my job, have surgery and had to move out of my condo. FKN FANTASTIC.

So my boyfriend and I decided to move me to Cold Lake (worst decision ever). I moved to Cold Lake 4 days after my surgery. Drove 7 hours in a winter storm. Had all my possessions and my puppers with me. I was set. I was able to secure a job there and all would be well.

Well I was wrong. I always am.

But I’ll leave that story for the next time.

Cheers for now,

Birdy

Hey everyone I have to apologize for not being on top of my blog it seems that when it rains it pours and I just haven’t had literally five minutes even sit down and document what’s been going on in my life since my most recent surgery on March 27, 2017. I don’t even know where to begin I found a roommate that had offered me a very sweet deal of $600 everything included to move into his basement suite and he would use the second room as his business office and then I would be able to bring all of my own furniture in so I hastily packed up what I could from my parents place before surgery and moved in with in a week so that I will be prepared for surgery. Well needless to say this did not last very long. The guy I moved in with turned out to be a complete creep and I probably lasted about 2 1/2 weeks before I move back to my parents, until I found a place suitable for my dog and I to live in. Luckly my girlfriend has a condo ground floor in south end of Calgary that she offered to me at a really reasonable and affordable price and I was able to sign a year lease with her. But then I got my dream job. So again I have to apologize, I’ve been really busy trying to move and unpack and be a great employee.

Now I can’t say I’ve been the greatest friend during this process because I really had to focus on myself which is something I never do. I always put my friends and my family before myself. I always put the man I’m dating before my needs and I always make sure that everybody else around me is taken care of before I take care of myself. But I’m finally at a point my life I actually have to put myself first I have made so many sacrifices and so many changes for other people and I’ve always end up walked on or taken advantage of and it’s finally time for me. 

Now I’m getting not going to get all preachy here but I just wanted to give everybody a small little update as to why I have been MIA since my surgery and that is why. Now my next blog post will be about the surgery the recovery and what’s next to come for me with the whole BRC a diagnosis so please please read share like I really appreciate everybody’s love and support and you all mean the world to me!!

Xx

Birdy 

I had my ultrasound to review the two masses in my chest on February 15, 2017. I was extremely frustrated by the time I left the Foothills. The ultrasound tech was fantastic, although she seemed to talk to me about her friends drinking habits and how she doesn’t drink, for the entire hour and 45 mins I was there. I was on day 4 of my birthday hang over and just listening to her made me want to drink.

I highlighted the masses on my chest so it was easier to find, just like Dr. CTO said to do. And then I had this ultrasound doctor proceed to tell me 4 different results. 1) Nothing is here. 2) Oh its the edge of your implant. 3) No this is where your Major Pectoralis Muscle “drops off”. 4) It’s just fat.

Okay captain FKN Nimrod, which is it?? First off, you’re not allowed to tell me the results and last time I checked you are not an Oncologist of any sort. Thank you shit for brains. I mean, I appreciated the “results” but they did absolutely nothing for me. Thankfully my surgeons wonderful Assistant confirmed that these results were pretty inconclusive and she had scheduled me for follow-up to review for March 13. If my surgeon felt the results weren’t a big deal, she would call me and we would just discuss over the phone. Well the call never came.

I get to the foothills to find out my dear friend (another Previvor) was being admitted for her 11th reconstructive surgery. ELEVENTH!!!!! Is that not insane? This woman is beyond a warrior, she has had every possible complication with her reconstruction and she still pushes forward with her faith, her love for life, her kids, her husband and for the rest of us Previvors. She really is the saving grace for us women who are trying to decide on surgery or are having complications. Honestly, I met her almost a year ago and i wish I knew her before my first surgery. I don’t think I would have felt so alone had I known her then. So I am sitting there, at our “Tom Baker Cancer” clinic and in rolls my girlfriend, chill as a pill wearing a freaking ONESIE! I was so impressed. It wasn’t even PJ’s, it was a legit sweatsuit Onesie and she was rocking ugg’s and a messy ponytail/bun. One thing that gets us through our surgeries, is complete and utter inappropriate humour. Otherwise we ugly cry. She had her 11th surgery today and luckily things went pretty well considering her body rejected her expander implant.

So she sat with me until she was called for her room admittance and in I went to see Dr. CTO. We reviewed my ultrasound results and again, can’t confirm with their “findings” what these masses truly are. And thankfully my Dr is a no fluff kind of woman and she gives it to me straight, “I can remove the left one in your armpit, but its the one on your 2nd rib that I am concerned I can’t get too without major complications”. Yikes. Then, she says, “We have a surgery date for you. Call my admin and she will confirm for you the date and time, but I know we have a date because you have been on my mind a lot lately”. We joked about my Bali trip and the monkey that molested me. She read up on my blog and then off I went, back into the abyss of shitty Calgary drivers in rush to get to work.

I called the Admin and she emailed me this morning confirming that yes, my next surgery is scheduled for March 27, 2017….thats in 13 days. Panic ensues and I started scrambling trying to figure out how I am going to get to the hospital and who will take care of me and 1000 other questions running through my mind.

This surgery scares me. It scares me because I don’t know what these masses are, the risk for infection is much greater and the possibility of my body rejecting the new implants is higher. On top of it all I feel alone. When I had my first surgery on May 2, 2016, I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years. I was moving into my own apartment and I was starting a new life, just my dog Finnigan and myself. But I knew that I had my ex there by my side. Even though he completely destroyed me by breaking up with me, he still took care of me and was there by my side for my surgery. It brought us closer. I was naive though. I thought we would get back together, and clearly that’s not the case as its been over a year since we broke up. It’s crazy how much we rely on another person to feel whole and worthy. To feel complete and strong. To believe we need them in order to conquer lives biggest obstacles. Obviously going into this next surgery would be so much easier if I had that significant other to take care of me and reassure me that I am beautiful not matter what and it will be okay. But at the end of the day, I am the only person who can confirm my strength, my worth, my beauty. The scars I have now, and the even bigger scars I’ll have don’t bother me. Peoples opinions don’t bother me either. Its people who bother me.

Either way, this surgery is happening whether I am emotionally ready for it or not. I just hope it goes smoothly and I can finally look forward to the next Chapter…NIPPLES!!!!!

The pictures below will show you where my complications are, the masses and the rippling, the aftermath bruising from physiotherapy on my chest.

 

Thanks for tuning in guys.

Lots of love and light,

Birdy

 

 

 

So I have to apologize. I promised blog updates and advice on dating etc. But life has really kicked my ass lately. As soon as I feel myself taking a step forward, something knocks me 10 steps backwards. I don’t know what it is that gives me the will to constantly get back up, dust my self off and keep going, sometimes I wonder if I was some sort of warrior in a previous life…hahaha just kidding, that sounds ridiculous. But in all fairness, does the bullshit truly ever stop? Or do the dark gloomy clouds just part one day, the sun shining through, all fucks are gone and the path you’ve been creating finally has beautiful blooming flowers, puppies, new-born babies, money on trees and the beach…just waiting for you and endless amounts of calorie free craft beer…mmmm. One can simply dream right?

I feel my mind going crazy on me some days. Someone told me the other day that I looked fantastic and extremely happy. Well shit, this Clonazepam(Clonazepam is used to prevent and control seizures. This medication is known as an anticonvulsants or antiepileptics drug. It is also used to treat panic attacks. Clonazepam works by calming your brain and nerves. It belongs to a class of drugs called benzodiazepines)must really being doing its job. Because to be fair someday I feel like I’m walking on sunshine and others I could pack up Finnigan (the love of my life) hit the road and never look back.

On February 3rd, I watched my Step-dad have a complete left main occlusion, a major heart attack in front of my mother and me. At home. We literally just ate dinner and things were fine and the next thing I knew there was literally 11 EMS workers in our living room. The last time I experienced a situation like this was as a kid when I watched medics take my sister away after having such severe seizures she was unresponsive. This sort of thing sticks with you. I’m not sure if it makes me numb, but it taught me not to panic. Anyway, the stubborn ass survived the heart attack, thank F**K because I honestly don’t think I could handle losing him. He may be my step dad but he has always been a constant in my life and supported me in any decision I have made since I was 14 years old. That’s a pretty big blessing to have a man who is not your father or related to you by blood, be so wonderful.

My sister said to me as we drove home from visiting Kevin in the hospital that she was worried about me. She said that she watched me go through the worst year and that I had yet to crack. That I was like a loose blade of grass on the edge the cliff, swaying in the wind and she was just waiting for that strong gust, the one to push me off, take me away. I knew she didn’t mean me killing myself or anything, she was just telling me she was worried and scared for me.

I’ve always been strong and it usually take something incredibly devastating, or something to completely enrage me, to make me cry. But in that car ride I gave myself that 5 minutes to ugly cry. I needed to let it out. All that kept replaying in my mind was seeing Kevin’s white face and hands, soaked in sweat, being taken away in the ambulance and the social worker greeting us at the hospital with no update. I was ready to hear that he was gone, to hold my mom up when her knees collapsed. To try to piece things together when we would go home with out him. But we were lucky, he pulled through. I still can’t think about that night without choking up. How does one prepare themselves to lose and a loved one, to take the blow, for that blow not to come. It was the worst adrenaline rush I have had to experience thus far in life.

Right before this happened I was let go from my new oil and gas job, after being humiliated and bullied by another female co-worker for having my double mastectomy. I was not having a good week. Luckily, my childhood best friend and practically my sister, Erin, her baby daddy Brodie (great man) offered me my job back with his company. How was I so blessed? To have such forgiving and loving people in my life. Either way, please just know I love and appreciate you guys.

If you guys haven’t figured this blog posting is literally nothing but ramblings. So please bare with me, it’s just an update on my ridiculous life.

So all this goes on, I go on yet another HORRIBLE date with another asshole from Bumble and by then I’m just fed up. My birthday was coming up and I decided I was going to have an unforgettable night.

My besties went out of their way to make me feel special and loved. My Gato Cristina took me for a beautiful brunch and Kass surprised me at our hotel room with balloons, champagne, cupcakes and the most beautiful cookie with a letter written on it, . Yes you read that right, a cookie with a letter on it.Alicia sent me a sweet card in the mail and snapped and text to ensure I knew she was missing me while she was in NC.  We then proceeded out to dinner with more loved ones and then off to the bar. I finished my night with puking in the middle of the bar, on my girlfriends boots (I’M STILL SORRY) and two stalls down from one of my ride or dies. Finished er’ off with yelling at the doorman “You’re nothing but a doorman, DOOR MAN”, had my Sally (Patty I love you) get us hoe safely and proceeded to crawl into the bathroom at the hotel. I wont say it was the best birthday I  have ever had, but definitely the most memorable….err kinda.

Since then, I’ve been working, trying to be a good sister and organize my twins Bachelorette Weekend, order our bridesmaid dresses and see my family and friends as often as I can. All the while knowing my ultrasound for my chest was coming up and anxiously waiting the results…

This has been my February and March of 2017…I thought 2016 was over for crying out loud.

Tune in to my next posting, to hear about my ultrasound results.

Much love,

Birdy

 

 

So the video above explains everything. I have my ultrasound on February 22, 2017 and after I have those results, I will update everyone with the next plan of attack!

Thanks for your constant love and support, I appreciate it more than I can put to words.

Much love,

Birdy

I had the opportunity to say Fuck You directly to cancer, and I took it by the balls. I’m not tooting my own horn here (although I love to do that and my friends find it really annoying, but they still love me), but it takes a certain kind of strength to be willing to remove your breasts, nipple and all, to throw away the chance to breast feed my future children, to risk having men turn me away because they think I’m some sad sick girl, people I thought would support me through anything we’re talking behind my back saying I was doing the surgery for attention, that nothing was wrong and I didn’t need the surgery. Well guess what, not the damn case. I had a great friggen rack, I mean for the breasts I had pre surgery, I really wasn’t doing bad for myself. Why on earth would I give up great breasts for my current ones, just for attention? You have to be a major hypochondriac to do something this drastic and major. See the picture below for proof, it was taken the night before my surgery.

Surgery happened and I was discharged after 2 nights in the foothills and back to home I went. It wasn’t easy getting in and out of bed, not to mention being a woman, having to use the restroom was hard enough because of the drains coming out of my sides. Every time I moved my arms I would get searing burning pain that would last for hours. Only ice packs would minimize the pain, but I was on Gabapentin, Toradol, Tramadol, Percocet…aka a whole bunch of heavy-duty narcotics. I was high as a kite 99% of the time for about 3 weeks straight until I got my drains completely removed. Which brings me to my next point.

My drains being removed was seriously almost orgasmic, any woman who has a double mastectomy will agree with me on this point. It can be painful but I personally would way rather have them removed over and over again than ever have them put back in. On top of this you get to swear these sexy as fk bra’s…and all the drugs that make it impossible for you to goto the bathroom so you look 6 months preggo…sexiest time of my life people. Damnnnnn girl you fine…. not.

 

Once the drains were out, I had to wait about a week to have the bandages removed and any stitches that hadn’t dissolved.

You can see in the picture above there was still a lot of fluid building up under my right implant, that’s why they’re isn’t much of crease under the implant because of the swelling.

Now I haven’t told many people but at my last follow-up, we confirmed 3 masses in my chest. There is one large mass under my left implant and in my armpit. Its pushing my implant forward which you’ll see in my below photo. I have a second mass above my right implant near my sternum and third mass in between both implants near the bottom of my right implant/chest area. With that being said I do have another surgery planned, I just don’t know enough details to fill you in but I will once I know the scoop.

So there you have it guys, my boobs out there for the world to see. Nipple free and all!

Catch ya on the next post!

 

Mum, thank you for you ever calming presence and your unconditional love and support all the way from the other side of world. You and Papa Bear have really been a rock and a saving grace for me these last 11.5 years and I don’t think I would have made it this far without having you two in my life. I love you both so much!

Baby sissy Kye. Thanks to your hubby Brendan ( I adore him) for reading you the questions while you did your video. He’s so sweet! Thanks for being such a huge part of my life and such a big support system for me, I know I can always count on you no matter the time of day for a good vent session and some quality sister time. I’ve literally watched your grow from a teen girl to a beautiful woman and a married one at that! So blessed to have you in my life and to have you’re support through all of this. Love you loads!

 

1. How do you know me?

My name is Julie Ruest, I am Hayley’s older sister.

2 What were your thoughts when you first heard of my BRCA gene mutation diagnosis?

JULIE:I was in NC when I got the news, I knew she was being tested but I wasn’t expecting her test results to be positive. I felt helpless for her and I was terrified. I didn’t know how to help her through, My heart broke.

3. How did you feel when I told you I was going ahead with a Bilateral Mastectomy with reconstruction?

JULIE: I felt relieved, I was hoping she would make that decision. I can’t imagine how terrifying that would be, especially in her mid twenties. She’s a fighter.

4. Do you know anyone else with the BRCA gene mutation or who has had a double mastectomy?

JULIE:Hayley’s twin, our sister Jesse also tested positive.

5. If there was anything about my decision you would have changed what would that be?

JULIE: I can’t say I truly understand because I don’t. I’m also not sure what Hayley’s true feelings are about this whole thing, however; with what she has displayed I can’t say I would change anything. She has taken cancer by the balls and said no! I would hope she is getting the support she needs, if not I guess I would change that she would seek more counseling if that is what she needed?

6. Now that I have had the surgery, how do you feel knowing I’m having complications and will undergo another surgery?

JULIE: My heart is aching for her, I wish she could just catch a break. I don’t know if she can see the strain it has put on all aspects of her life. She has down days and when she does it’s noticeable.

7. Is there anything you don’t understand regarding the diagnosis?

JULIE: Hayley has been very clear on the risks of going ahead with the surgery and the risks of not going ahead with it. I am sure there is still lots I don’t understand, we just haven’t crossed those bridges. I

8. Do you think the health systems provide enough awareness and preventative measures for Breast and Ovarian Cancer?

JULIE: I don’t think they do, I had never even heard of the BRCA cancer gene until Hayley’s aunt passed away. The problem is, you cannot be tested unless your parent has tested positive. This all came about because Hayley’s aunt passed away, my sisters are lucky they got the chance to catch it in time. They had to lose an aunt for that to happen. Something needs to change. This should be available to everyone.

9. Would you have done anything different then my choice?

JULIE: Absolutely not! That’s a no brainer to me. I cannot express how courageous I think Hayley is. I can’t say I would have been as proactive. I was unbelievably terrified for my sister, for her wellbeing and her mental health and she just took it in grace and dignity and moved forward.

10. Any comments, opinions or advice you would like to give to family and friends about being affected by someone with the BRCA gene?

JULIE: My sister is my hero. To all the ladies out there going through this, you are heroes among heroes! You are beautiful! Don’t stop fighting for your health, you have that right and remember, not everyone has the chance to say no to cancer!

11. Any comments or advice for me?

JULIE: Hayley Dawn, you are wise beyond your years! Stay strong and battle back, you got this girl! We are behind you and love you!

I am really blessed to have such a big family. And with having so many siblings, comes many nieces and nephews. One nephew of mine, decided instead of a big birthday party, he wanted to raise money for Breast Cancer in honour of my twin and myself. They raised money, had donated jerseys with the Breast Cancer Ribbon and he brought a community together, to celebrate and support his two Aunties and other family members who have survived, battled and succumbed to Cancer.

I can never thank him enough for his selflessness and his ability to see past his wants and needs, and do something so beautiful and courageous for us. Cooper, you’re my hero and I know you’re going to do amazing things in this world.

Please watch the video below and share. It doesn’t take much to show your support and raise awareness.

Much love,

Birdy

Below are the links to the videos my sisters sent me with questions I asked them about my journey. They have great advice from seeing someone first hand go through the up’s and downs of a double mastectomy.

Have tissues ready if you’re a softy!